i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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