i think my tv is drunk
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just high enough for therapy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
