Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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