Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
