she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
