Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize