I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
