I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
