the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
