Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
