all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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