I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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