I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
