Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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