So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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