I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
