Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
