capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
