Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
