dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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