you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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