hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
