you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
