you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I need to calm my uterus...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
