finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
