I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
