I am midnight drunk by noon
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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