so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
