she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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