We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
