I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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