Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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