i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
