I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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