Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
