I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
