You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Randomize
