how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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