When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
