Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
