If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
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