After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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