The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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