My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize