God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
