I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
