When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
