The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
