i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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