is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
