6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
