He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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