you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
