So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
