i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
