I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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