someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize