as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
